I hope this Christmas finds you healthy and happy. I am both. Joe and I continue together slowly renovating the little farmhouse, enlarging and cultivating the gardens, planting trees, building a stone fence. We’ve winnowed our livestock down to two horses, several laying hens and a rooster.
Although it feels lonely this Christmas with both Cate and Anthony in South Dakota, I've decorated my homestead with a candle in each window, fir boughs and bows in the window boxes and an enormous wreath in front of the picture window. I have been making Christmas cookies, so many, that I am getting fat.
I was able to visit Anthony in Rapid City in November to see him perform the role of “Grandpa” in You Can’t Take It With You. Lionel Barrymore couldn’t hold a candle to him. I met his friends and teachers, and the whole time there I was filled with such happiness and pride. He’s doing well academically, socially and athletically. But most of all I am proud because he’s becoming a thoughtful young man of integrity, kindness and determination. Catie flew out to SD with me to spend time with her dad, brother, sister, Alia, and Staci, Alia’s mom. Cate has taken a leave of absence from Mount Holyoke while she sorts out many things that are troubling her. It is good for her to be surrounded by the love of her SD family. She plans to return to Maine in January, and has said she’d like to return to MHC in the fall of 2011. If you remember how hard growing up can be, say a prayer for her today.
A few nights ago I watched the film, “Precious,” and I thought about how invisible most of us are to one another. We make assumptions and are dismissive of one another. I think we work to avoid relationships. For me, I sometimes don’t want to be bothered. I’m afraid the other person, if I get to know him or her, will start asking things of me, will drain my time and resources, will expect too much. This has happened. If I open myself to others, it will assuredly happen again. There are many people seeking answers, wanting to be rescued, needing to be angry and to blame, hurting.
The temptation is to withdraw into myself, into a dry comfortable cave lined with books, to greet the sunshine, grow fruit and flowers and when it rains, stay indoors making pies.
But there, when the pies are done, will it just be me to taste them? When the seedlings emerge, with whom will I share the joy? I will want to go for a walk, and on that walk, I will meet people, sentient as I, bewildering. We can wander together or simply say hello and part.
What I forget when I seek to avoid relationships is that the other always brings something too, gifts--of insight, sensation, shared emotion, comfort, many unnamed or unnameable. Even the most needy, and scared, scarred souls have gifts to share, though they may not know it. So I will try to keep a heart more open to those who pass my way. I will work to recognize when I am on the verge of a dismissive shrug, a cursory opinion, a snotty look, a judgment, and I will smile and offer a hand if there’s something I can do. I will also know that time alone is essential and nourishing, that it will enrich my soul and reconnect me to the Source of all Life and Goodness, and will allow myself, without guilt, to go away.
May you be blessed, as the Light returns, may it shine warmly and nurture you.
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